Originally posted by: Criss on 12/21/2007 3:19:23 AM

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising home along a country road one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car.
The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't. The aged cow was struck and killed. Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and
explain to the owners what had happened and pay them for the cow. She stayed in the car making phone calls.

About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of
expensive wine in one hand, a huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.

'What happened to you,' asked Hillary?

'Well,' the driver replied, 'the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to me.'

'My Goodness, what did you tell them?' asked Hillary.

The driver replied, 'I just stepped inside the door and said, 'I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow.'
The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it.'

Originally posted by: Steven Berry on 1/4/2008 3:12:24 PM

Bad Humor

Sports Announcers Strike Again!



Editor: Following are the top 10 comments made by sports commentators -- mostly British -- that they would like to take back, hehehe!



1. Weightlifting commentator at the women's Olympic Snatch and Jerk Event: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up, and it was amazing!"


2. Ted Walsh, horse racing commentator: "This is really a lovely horse, and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."


3. Grand Prix Race announcer: "The lead care is absolutely, truly unique, except for the one behind it which is exactly identical to the one front of the similar one in back."


4. Greg Norman, pro golfer: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."


5. Ringside boxing analyst: "Sure there have been injuries and evens some deaths in boxing -- but none of them really that serious."


6. Baseball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."


7. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."


8. At a trophy ceremony, BBC TV boat rate 1988: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is hugging the cox of the Oxford crew."


9. Metro Radio, college football: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."


10. U.S. Open TV commentator: "One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing so well is that, before each final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. ... Oh, my God, what have I just said?"

Originally posted by: James Brown on 1/4/2008 7:22:07 PM

quote:

I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up, and it was amazing!"

Originally posted by: C.B. on 1/4/2008 8:20:18 PM

Excellent JOD's...LMAO

Originally posted by: dgrey on 1/9/2008 5:37:46 AM

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10-lb weight loss Program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door, and there stands Before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19-year-old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her
neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss Company.

The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

Without a second thought, he takes off after her.

A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day, 20-pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.

She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me, you can have me'.

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.

This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.

So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost
another 20 lbs as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day, 50-pound program.

'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most rigorous program.'

'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it, he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink
running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, your *** is mine.'

He lost 63 pounds that week.

Originally posted by: Mapquest HH on 1/9/2008 10:52:04 AM

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the
hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was
masturbating furiously.

'Oh my GOD!' screamed the woman. 'That's
disgraceful! Why is he doing that?'
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, 'I'm
very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious
condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't
do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his
testicles could easily rupture.'

Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay,' said the woman.
As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient
laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, the woman
screamed, 'Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: 'Same illness, better
health plan.'

Originally posted by: MJ on 1/11/2008 6:19:15 AM

> > **Innocence is Priceless**
> >
> >
> >
> > One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer
> > of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names
> > with small American flags mounted on either side of it.
> >
> >
> > The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the
> > pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good
> > morning Alex."
> >
> >
> >
> > "Good morning, Pastor, what is this?" he asked the pastor.
> >
> >
> > The pastor said, "Well, son, it's a memorial plaque to all the young men
> > and women who died in the Service." Soberly, they just stood together,
> > staring at the large plaque.
> >
> >
> > Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, he
> > asked, **"Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?"**

Originally posted by: James Brown on 1/11/2008 3:47:16 PM

That was a good one MJ. Wait till Rev sees it

Originally posted by: heff on 1/11/2008 4:05:48 PM

Thanks for the laugh MJ. Good one...

Originally posted by: revkev on 1/11/2008 7:33:29 PM

Very good MJ - loved it! Needed the laugh - had to put down one of our family cats today.